How to Fake Friendships With Church Newcomers and Still Keep Your Real Friends
Let’s face it, there are people in our lives whom we consider to be our friends, and then there are people we don’t care about. We maintain and regulate our few, coagulated homies like Mr. Rogers used to maintain his golden, button-up sweater and blue suede shoes–daily and exclusively–the same, basic outfit every single show.
Walking into a church for the first time on a Sunday morning can be a terrifyingly strange experience. Taking the big leap of faith into the trying-a-new-church-for-the-first-time-since-your-mom-made-you-wear-a-sailors-suit-and-bow-tie-to-church-on-Easter-Sunday can quickly present itself as a situational discomfort unlike any typically sought after weekend activity. In order for most “churched” people to really start befriending you, Newcomer, you’ve got to attend regularly and somehow push into at least one of the more predominant, preformed, circles of friends.
How do most churches get around this “welcoming challenge”? With a committee strategy, of course. We send enthusiastic people highly trained in the ways of smiling and hand shaking around the room to intercept any newcomer-esque attendees. Church leadership usually determines which people will go, and those selected will work the room, cautiously introducing themselves to you–The Newcomer–welcoming you into the wonderful world of the church. (Take note of how people have to be assigned to do this task.) If the welcoming committee people seem a little distracted, don’t hold it against them. Remember, their real friends are still out in the foyer drinking coffee and eating tasty fruit tarts.
The welcoming committee, or your new “fake-friends” as I like to call them, do their part to make most guests feel as comfortable as possible, like you’re now a part of something truly cool and culturally relevant. But the real situation, and this is why you the Newcomer can’t quite seem to connect, is that most of the friendly church people are busy being friendly with the friends they already have. And how do we convince our churches friendliest members to go and be friendly to those outside of their well groomed, established groups? We don’t. We usually just send the committee because it’s the committees job, and jobs are easier to establish and enforce.
If you’re new to the church, and you’re experiencing this weird activity, please take my advice: Don’t worry; it’s not you. Well, it is you, but it’s not really you. What I’m trying to say is that it’s not your fault. You don’t smell too badly, and your clothes are actually spot on. Your hair is fine, and as far as we can tell, you’re probably educated and employed. So everything is in line for you to eventually become a friend of the church and maybe even an active, sought-after member! But for now, don’t worry, it’s not your fault. It’s ours. We’re a little insecure when it comes to what we believe, and we don’t want to be too joyful or too loving toward anyone we don’t already know and care about. And, apparently, the fruit tarts are really good.
6 Comments
This post addresses the problem perfectly.
The question is, what’s the solution? Is there a solution? Should we just accept that this is all just human nature, and no amount of hand-wringing and come-to-jesus meetings with your church leadership is going to change how people naturally socialize?
Andrew
I would love to hear any ideas regarding solutions. I’m glad you brought it up. I think you hit it right on the head by addressing the idea that maybe the solution is one that cannot simply be implemented by leadership (pastors, elders, etc) or hand-wringing. The solution is the people. The solution is for attending leaders to step up within the church and proactively seek out newcomers. Some people will do this naturally, and most of the rest will follow. But if leaders never step up, I wouldn’t expect anyone to follow or do anything other than what they are naturally inclined to do. So, I believe there is a solution, but the solution is with people doing what’s best for the newcomer and not for themselves. It’s an internal focus that probably can’t be “taught”. Rather, it’s got to be a heart motivation and desire to reach out to others.
What do you think? Is there a solution?
Yes, as general members of the congregation, not the “welcoming committee”, we must individually be intentional and seek out the newcomers. Look for the folks who look like they are sitting by themselves because they don’t know anyone. Be willing to postpone a weekly conversation with a friend in order to meet the new person. Eating meals with people goes very far, much further than a handshake and a smile.
When I was in Findlay, OH for a summer, some people at the church I visited took me out to Chinese after my first day at church. They welcomed me, and I was quickly able to enjoy a wonderful summer fellowshipping with them.
Michael,
Good input. Being aware of people, postponing our normal conversations, and being intentional about going the extra mile to get to really know people are all great suggestions. I especially agree with taking people out to lunch. Going beyond the smile and the handshake and sitting down with newcomers outside of the sometimes uncomfortable environment of church can go far. Obviously, it really made you feel at home and want to be a part of what was going on in that church. Genuinely wanting to be a part of others lives and truly reaching out in love is so crucial. Thanks again for the suggestions.
I think the problem is trying to make something intended to take place in a family setting (church/small community) take place in an institutionalized machine or corporation. I think that we try to fix something that was never intended to operate functionally. Sunday morning church services will always be odd. I think the solution is in living a simple life and avoiding the gnostic appeal of contemporary Christianity.
Boom.